Broken ~ the next chapter in my depression story…

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I have had so many thoughts running through my mind to share with you, dear friends. Most of them haven’t made it to this little space, but tonight, I write with the goal of awareness.
I am a wife, mom and home schooling mom and I struggle with depression. Right now I find myself falling fast, head first into another low period in my life. I have been here before. Strangely, I thought that if I had been here before, surely I would never feel this badly again.
I was mistaken.
Most of you know, I weaned off the lexapro due to side effects I was growing weary of…I hoped, I prayed, I begged God to let me be ok without meds. He did not answer those prayers in the way I had hoped. I started a new medication almost 3 weeks ago.
I have been through the feelings of anger towards God. I have cried out to Him, telling Him how I thought it should go…what I thought He could do…even telling Him how I would give Him the glory if He would heal me.
But, He allows me the path of suffering. I know, with all my heart, He has chosen me for this road…and there is a purpose in my hurting. I do not doubt this at all. For this, I give thanks…truly, I can say, “thank you” through the tears. I cling to the Psalms during these days…and He gives me hope.
Even reading through my gift list, even knowing that He is a good God, even believing that He allows those He loves to suffer, believing these things with my head and even deep into my very soul does not take the pain away.
Jesus cried, “take this cup from me…” and when God did not take the cup, He faced the cross.
I do not compare my suffering to that of Jesus. I just pray that through this He will make me more and more like Him, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross.

My new medication is not working, apparently and obviously. It is discouraging to think that I have another week before seeing the doctor and then 4-6 more weeks of wondering if yet another medication will work. Sometimes, it is hard to imagine making it through the next hour. Not all my hours are bad…but when they are, they are bad.

Generally, my mornings are hard when I am struggling and down. However, this time around, the evenings have been bad. Supper is disastrous, and I go find somewhere to cry.

Please, please, I’m not sharing all of this for pity. I share all of this because so very often if you ask how I am, I will not know what to say. I’m sorry, I know a few of you (dear mom) will want to call me…I won’t know what to say. So, I write here for tonight. Please accept my words as a personal letter to you, my friends…I have never been good at communicating my feelings, but I realized that I do have this outlet – and for tonight, I use this to bring awareness to those of you who have no clue how I’m feeling…and to bring encouragement to those of you who are suffering right now, too. I have learned that I can write out my feelings much more than I can speak them.

People who struggle with depression struggle with incorrect feelings or thoughts. About myself, I usually say “irrational feelings” because I know in my head that what I’m thinking and feeling at this moment is, indeed, irrational. Knowing that does not help, however.

Tonight, the irrational thoughts that crossed my mind, as I sat on my bed and cried, were:
  • I’m a bad wife – I cannot get a good, decent meal on the table.
  • I’m a bad mom – I am not “fun” and my kids are going to be ruined because of my struggles to keep being mom day in and day out. One of my biggest fears, as I have walked this road of depression, is how much I am failing my children.
  • I’m a bad homeschool mom – I cannot be consistent with anything when I’m in a low period.
  • I’m a bad Christian – I had to start taking medication again AND it’s not even helping. I can’t help more at church, I can’t serve here, I have to say “no” and have tremendous guilt over it.
  • I’m a bad friend – I can’t bear to even read facebook to see the “normal” and “fabulous” lives that everyone else is living. (I know – I KNOW, everyone has problems!! I know this, yet I can’t read facebook without the statuses of those I know haunting my thoughts – just being very real.)
  • I’m also a bad wife because I can’t control my spending.
  • I’m also a failure at this healthier journey thing.
  • I’m a failure as a friend because I don’t know how to be one. I don’t know what to say on the phone. I don’t know when to call people. Those “incorrect thoughts” tell me that people are annoyed with me…so why would I want to call?
  • I have a hard time in big groups usually when I am like this. I get this overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong in whatever place I’m in.
There you have it, I’m broken. I’m needy.

I guess I want people to know that you can cling to God with all your heart and still hurt.

I’m being very real here. I wanted to type out my feelings…still haven’t decided if I’m going to hit the “publish” button. This is me in the midst of depression. This is what it is like. These are the thoughts running through my mind. It’s not just that I think I’m a bad mom, I physically CANNOT get it out of my mind…I start thinking about how this is my fault that I struggle, if I were more this or more like that…if only I knew how to relate better to people, if only I enjoyed cooking, if only I was a people peron, if only. (See, very irrational, I know.)

Just a little glimpse into the heart of a depressed girl…your prayers are very much coveted. I know I will be ok. I know God is with me, He loves me, He has a purpose even in this.

Part of His plan is to give me the gift of brokenness. Do not think that I am wallowing in self-pity. I am humble and broken and learning more and more daily about how desperate I am for God. His grace truly is sufficient. I am a different person than I was 10 years ago. And you know what, I think I can safely say now – even through the valleys – that I am better for it. I can say that because I know He is making me more and more like His son. He is showing me a tiny glimpse of Himself…

He is a good God…and I praise Him in this storm.

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01053291021402340113 Amber

    Your list of “irrational thoughts” match mine. You are not alone, dear friend. My prayers are with you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06048000640386635593 Ronda B

    I totally understand your thoughts. I have had most of them at one time or another. You are an amazing person, with an amazing faith. My prayers are with you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07386184818117314750 pippasmum

    I am so sorry for your pain. I am afraid to say too much because I don’t want to say something that might feel to you like I am minimizing your pain so all I will say is that I am praying for you, to find peace, to find the ability to see yourself as you TRULY are (wonderfully created in God’s own image!) and to find the medication that will help you to manage this horrible illness.
    Take care, sweet sister!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15141092445189144582 Angi

    Well, I have considered you my friend from our HSB days. I hadn’t blogged anywhere in a long time, but the first place I looked after I started my new blog, was at your blog. I was saddened to see you were taking some time away, but without you saying much, I understood why.

    Know this my sister, you are loved. I will be praying for your peace and strength during this time. I must saying though, after reading your “list”, I felt that many of the items matched those on my “list”.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00803674063437891069 The Taylor’s

    Candace, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your pain. Your post is so brave. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16039123082801127932 Debbie

    Praying for you, Candace! YOu are not alone in this struggle! This has been a rough summer for me, too! Big Hugs!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11836802686521867090 Robin

    So sorry that this new med isn’t working. I know the feeling of waiting a week to see a dr when I can barely get through an hour. :sigh: Praying for you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07156422975901326573 Luvbnma

    I love you, Brave Candace!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04583618075166846674 Susan Seaman

    Hi Candace,

    Though I don’t deal with depression, I wanted you to know that your blog has blessed me. I have even copied some of your thoughts into my journal from time to time (most lately, the blog you wrote about the Lord being your portion). Thanks for being real.

    Susan

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05607780426118234168 WorthyofLove

    Loving you and lifting you UP!! I’m not annoyed with you :) I think you are great!! Can’t wait to see you soon.

    Big Hugs,
    Michelle

    P.S./seems like such a side note, but your honesty about FB is one of the reasons I had to let it go. I know that FB is just a small drop in the pond. I love you. Thanks for taking the risk to share your broken heart.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13302608654931936520 Deb

    I’m old enough to be your Momma…and I am a Momma to one of your friends. I, too, suffer from depression. The medication I am on helps me….but has side effects that I wish I didn’t have to endure. My doctor is a Christian and she told me when I first went on it almost a year ago that taking medication for depression is no different than taking insulin if you’re a diabetic…or blood pressure meds….it’s just the “stigma” that us Christians associate with taking a medication when we feel if we’re just a good enough Christian, then we shouldn’t have to take the meds at all. I consider my depression my “thorn in the flesh”….and if nothing else, it keeps me humble and dependent on the Lord. I am so proud of your honesty…and allowing us to know what’s on your heart so we can pray for you, sweet Lady!!! In His Most Precious Love….Deb

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14147536837325972501 April

    I’m so sorry:( I so very much understand all that you are saying. This winter was the first time I had ever experienced that really, really painful side of depression—So many things hit me hard all at the same time. It’s a feeling that is impossible to explain until you experience it. For myself I noticed I began feeling better again when I let up on myself. I took a break from Facebook and spent more time on nature walks. I also tried to avoid those people/things that brought me down or made me feel worse. I have come to discover I am one of those people that can not handle certain things such as really sad or negative movies. I have to stick with nature shows or Comedy or those warm happy shows. I also have to have balance. Too little or too much and I can not function. I’ve also began to notice I feel more bluh when the weather is REALLY COLD or Really Hot for long periods of time. I know each person is different and I have no idea what the right answer is. While we’ve never met in person I am certain you are a wonderful, caring person whom your friends would love if you called them:) Your kids/family love you and you are a great mom!!!GOD Loves you! Only Satin wants us to believe less of ourselves. I am sure your church understands and it is okay to not do it all. It is okay to say no. No need to be consistent as being spontanous is lots of fun! No worries about the “decent” meal–Dominoes delivers! Chin up! Everything will be okay! (((Hugs))) Again I’m sorry you are going through all this.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11314425833301505303 Renee M

    I will pray for you from a heart that knows the pain of depression. Thank you, my sister in Christ whom I’ve never met in person, for when you are real here about your hurt you are always testifying to what God is showing you about trusting Him and the truth of His Word. My girls are learning a song in their “God of this City” church choir musical right now, “Do It Lord.” One line says, “I see depression replaced with joy and gladness, Satan’s lies now bowing to the Truth.” I will pray!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11238132079219929272 Buchanan’s Blessings

    I am moved by the strength you have to post such deep and personal feelings. As I read though the blurriness of my tears, I couldn’t help but think, “Is she in my head?” I have never heard or read anything that I related to so much. I feel your pain. I have followed you for two years and I am constantly encouraged by your posts. Yet again, you have encouraged me to press on through the pain. Bless you for your willingness to share your story. What a precious Heiress to Christ you are!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17075653220399004004 Missy

    Praying for you!
    Wish so much I could say more, or do more…but know that lots of people love you and are praying for you. Remember from 1000 Gifts… the darkest times are when God is holding you, hiding you in the rock, as he goes by. You’ll see his back soon.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08492546436161234988 Heather Guymon

    Your list is identical to my own. You are not alone. Know that a stranger from Texas is praying for your peace and comfort. Hugs.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05935950066515164913 Sara — Sára