“When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance and said to Moses, ‘Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die.’ Moses said to the people, ‘Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.’ The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.” Exodus 20:18-20
…Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.
Let that sink in for a moment. Moses went into the darkness, WHERE GOD ALREADY WAS.
That has been the story of my journey with depression. God has met me in each and every dark moment. God has shown me glimpses of Himself in ways I never would have seen had I not entered seasons of darkness myself.
Friends, if there is nothing else you get out of this post today, hear this: God is in the darkness right there with you. You are not abandoned. You are not forsaken. He is right there with you.
Eight years ago I had a 3 year old, 2 year old and an infant. Life was crazy and I was overwhelmed. I have mentioned before that I thought marriage and motherhood would be one big fairy tale dream come true. Why I never imagined how hard it would be is beyond me. But, slowly, day after day, I started sinking into a hole that I just could not pull myself out of.
I was sleep deprived, which turned into irritable, which turned into immense feelings of guilt that I wasn’t a more loving mother to my kids. The guilt was so overwhelming that instead of spurring me on to be a better mom, I fell into a deeper pit. Literally, moment after moment I felt like I was failing my kids and that I was failing them for a lifetime, not just this time period.
…in the thick darkness where God was.
I’m honestly not sure if this started as postpartum depression or not, as I really didn’t start feeling my worst til Caleb was almost 1 year old. But, it could have started as that and just spiraled and continued going downhill.
Months and months go by with no improvement. I’m becoming more and more withdrawn. My husband came home a time or two and found me in the bathroom crying. I hate to even admit to you how little I played with or interacted with my children during this time period. And that was just another source of guilt. I got to that place where getting out of bed didn’t even feel possible at times. I would force myself to get lunch or food for the kids and that’s about it.
During this time, I could not say the word “depression” out loud. Honestly, I didn’t even THINK that word until about a year into this ordeal. I didn’t know WHAT was wrong, truthfully.
…in the thick darkness where God was.
Finally, I admitted that something was very, very wrong. Admitting that you are struggling with a mental illness is a very, very difficult ~ yet vital ~ step in the process. I didn’t know to move forward with any type of treatment until I knew that I had a problem. Once I began admitting that there was something wrong, we were able to move forward with a few different things that ended up helping.
First of all, depression effects the entire family. Our marriage was strained. To say the least. David and I began counseling at a wonderful Christian counseling office in our town. Thankfully, I have a friend that works there so I was able to feel really good about this option and not have to look around a bunch to find someone. The counseling that we received was WONDERFUL for us. We were communicating again. We were looking at both of our family histories and seeing patterns and finding things that we NEEDED to change to help our marriage not only survive, but thrive.
Secondly, our marriage counselor recommended a local psychiatrist that I began seeing regularly. She was also wonderful. She knew that life with 3 little ones could be overwhelming and she affirmed me each week in our visits. She also started me on Lexapro as an anti-depressant.
Between counseling and medication, my life took a turn for the better. Now hear me, it took a few months. MONTHS. There were still many hard days. And one hard day felt like a million years. But, even just having my husband AWARE of my struggles was HUGE. It was also very grueling waiting to know if the meds would kick in.
…in the thick darkness where God was.
For me, medication pulled me out of the pit that I just could not get myself out of. I stayed on Lexapro for 2 years, I believe. Lexapro gave me back my life. It helped me smile again. But, it did come with its drawbacks. I gained a lot of weight. And I’ve never been able to lose all of it.
After a few years on this medication, our insurance changed and all of a sudden we were looking at paying over $300 a MONTH for Lexapro. So, I weaned off of it. This was also very grueling because I wondered if I was going to crash and burn again. At this time, my psychiatrist and I decided I wasn’t strong enough to try and live without the meds all together, so we began experimenting with other meds to find something else that would work.
This, my friends, was one of the most frustrating parts of my story. I would try a new med, wait 6 weeks up to TWO MONTHS to see if it worked, if not, I would start that cycle over again and try something new. But it took SO LONG for things to kick in for us to even know if they worked or not. This was another very hard season in my life. I tried several meds before finding something else that worked.
Eventually, we tried Effexor and it seemed to be a miracle drug for me. I was smiling again. I was talking to my children. I was feeling more and more normal with each passing day. {Not that normal is what I attain for, but at this time in my life I needed a sense of normalcy for my children.} I stayed on Effexor for several year as well. Again, the Lord granted me relief from the plague of depression for quite some time with the blessing of this medication. I consider it a gift to my family as well as to my own self.
In October of 2013 I just sensed the Lord saying it was time to try going without meds. I was willing and open to go back on them if need be, but I wanted to try it. 6-7 years of the ups and downs of meds was hard. I’m so, so thankful for what the meds did – they brought me out of the dark hole that depression left me in. But I always hoped that someday I would be able to live without them.
…in the thick darkness where God was.
Going off of Effexor was another of the hardest times in my life. I wrote a lengthy post about how if affected my body physically during the weaning process. There are 40 comments there from many others who have suffered the withdrawal effects of Effexor also. Before you get on this med, I encourage you to read.
Fortunately, a few months after going off of Effexor, the Lord worked a miracle in my life. Since late in 2013 I have been completely OFF meds and DOING WELL. I do consider that to be a miracle. After years of suffering, the Lord did a work in my life that has allowed me to stay off meds for this long. I know that someday He may take me through the valley again, but for now, I’m grateful.
What I want you to know the most about my struggle with depression? God was in the thick of the darkness with me. I am thankful for the darkest days of my life. The Lord drew me to Himself in ways I would never have known had I not lived in the dark times. He drew me to Himself through His word in helping me learn to pray the Psalms. I never knew how desperate I was for Jesus until I was living this desperate season of life. I don’t ever want to go back to not being desperate for Jesus.
I walked through the valley of the shadow of death and He was with me.
In the thick darkness, God was there.
3 Years Later
I cannot leave this post here without an update! 3 years later and I’m shouting from the mountaintops – GOD is FAITHFUL. I would love for you to read an update now that I have been off all of my anti-depressants for 3 years and am thriving. God has been so good to me. My mindset has changed. My health has changed. We are never truly hopeless if we have Christ. We have the power of the Holy Spirit living within us giving us the power to make the steps necessary to BE TRANSFORMED.
My Journey Off of Anti-Depressants
My wellness journey & 51 pound weight loss!
You can read my entire story here!
